Reflection

I haven't posted for a while. Probably because I've lacked inspiration. Until tonight.

Laying in bed not able to sleep, all I could think about was the experiences I have had in the classroom in the last 3 years that I've been in college. While I may be new at all of this teaching stuff, I do not lack things on which to reflect.

I remember recently thinking during one of my classes, "If I have to reflect on one more chapter, one more class discussion or one more exercise, I quit!" And then I realized that reflection is what makes great teachers--we have to do it to change and grow.

Since then I have had to reflect on a few more things in class, but do it with a bit less resentment now because I realize that I reflect in my daily life on almost everything, I just don't write about it. (Well, actually, I suppose I'm writing about it now, aren't I?)

I couldn't sleep tonight, and continued to think about a mock interview I was required to participate in for one of my classes. One of the questions in the interview was, "What makes you want to stay a teacher even through all of the difficult, negative experiences." I answered with an abbreviated version of the following story:

When practicum teaching (my first real experience teaching) reading in a 4th grade class, the classroom teacher was explaining the group of students I was going to have. "This is my lowest group of kids," he said, "Zeek is a great kid, he'll do whatever you ask, and get along well with everyone, and is academically pretty average. Laura is completely apathetic, has a bad attitude and seriously struggles with reading. Emily, on the other hand, is very, very smart, loves reading and will excel academically, but her attitude is what lands her in your group. She's been suspended several times, picks on other kids in the class and in your group and even though she can work, she often won't. And last, Adam is a real struggle. He has ADHD and is difficult to keep focused and organized." "Lucky, Lucky me," I thought as the classroom teacher is listing all of this information about my new students. Emily, he was right, picked on kids in my group. One day she even said to Adam, "Why don't we just rip those buck teeth out of your mouth?" Oye. But, Adam, ohh, Adam. Adam was a struggle. And a student I will never, ever forget.

 Like I said, Adam had ADHD, struggled to sit still, pay attention, constantly forgot his worksheets, homework, note cards and even sometimes his pencil. As any new teacher I did what every teacher should -- worked hard to hold him responsible, give him the tools and reminders he needed and tried to work out a plan to make life for him a little easier while still making sure he was getting his work done, responsibly.

One day during class after constant reminding to write down the answers we were working on as a group he broke down, taking off his glasses and rubbing the tears from his eyes. When I asked him what was wrong he snapped his glasses in half in a fit of frustration. When I took him into the hallway to calm him down and talk to him about what had happened he told me, "You hate me. You are always on me to get my work done, I feel like I just can't do anything right." I explained to him that it is my responsibility, as his teacher, to make sure that he learns as much as he can and he is as responsible as he can be and then proceeded to list a number of things that he does very, very well. However, the next few weeks didn't go much better and he continued to tell me that I was mean and wasn't a good teacher. I continued to beat myself up over this trying to figure out what I could do to show him that I care without just throwing in the towel and giving him the easy road out.

Then came the last day of class. When all of the practicum teachers stood at the door to say goodbye, Adam came to me, hugged me harder than anyone had ever hugged me before. He sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed and told me I was a really great teacher. I was even told he sobbed all through library time an hour later. When talking to a friend who practicum taught in class with me, I pondered,  "I wonder what transformed Adam from hating me to sobbing over my leaving?" she replied, "You never gave up on him. Everyone else gives up on him. You can see it. You never gave up on him."

"Ah ha," I thought, "maybe that's true." and it was that moment I vowed to never, ever give up on a student.

I think about Adam a lot, often reflection on each interaction I had with him. I wonder if I really didn't give up on him. I wonder if I did enough or if I could have done things differently or better.

I'm often caught thinking about what I learned from Adam. Every time I roll my eyes after a snippy comment from a student or a wallow in a fit of frustration because I feel like they aren't learning, I think, "Don't give up, you can't give up." Certainly not yet, its certainly too early to give up.

Without reflection I would not learn from the glorious experiences in education, and would not know to change my ways after the horrible ones.

I am now constantly caught reflecting on my lessons, on my days and even on my everyday interactions with people. I question, "What went well? What went poorly? What should I change next time? What will I keep the same? How can I do this better?"

I think, as an educator, reflection is ingrained into our being. I've learned, through all of the reflection over chapters, class discussion, and in-class exercises to reflect on everything else in my life, too.

No matter how short or how long, how formal or informal--we all need a little reflection.

What teachers makes...

I'm sure most every teacher has seen this video or at least read this poem.

But it provides a bit of inspiration for us all.

Oh, the joys of being the teacher... and the student.

Because I am a pre-service teacher, I have to complete several practicum courses before I student teach and certainly before I get my first steps into my own classroom. Three practicum courses to be exact. While I've already completed two of them, I am now in my special education practicum. Because I will be certified K-12 in special education and because I want to student teach in an elementary school, I am completing this practicum in the high school with freshmen.

Obviously during practicums, student teaching and even throughout ones teaching career there are a lot of observations that take place. And while we would like to do everything in our power to make sure that our students are perfect angels when this is happening, sometimes there is just nothing we can do.

I had my first observation in my special education room about a week ago. It went something like this:
(*Mrs. A is the classroom teacher, *Clark is one of my students)

While I am getting stuff arranged and getting the other students where they need to be... 
Mrs. A: Clark, will you please come over to this table so Ms. R can do an activity with you?

Clark: Why can't we do the activity over here? I like this table better...

Mrs. A: Because the smart board is over there and we need the smart board today.

Clark: Well, can we bring this [huge 4 x 6 foot rectangular] table over there? I like this table better.

Ms. R: Hey, Clark, are you going to join us for class today?

Clark: (looking at Ms. A) Why? She just wants me to participate so she can impress her teacher friend that is coming.

Clark: (Getting a dirty look from Mrs. A and then looking at me) I mean that as respectfully as possible.

Ms. R: (chuckling to myself) Well, thank you, Clark, for being so respectful.

Now, lets be clear, I didn't even mention to the students the previous day that I was going to be observed. I felt that it would have just set me up for failure. Earlier in the day Mrs. A had clearly warned the students for me and told them they need to be respectful.

And for the record... the observation and activity went splendidly!

* names have been changed to protect the (not always so) innocent.